I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
