Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
