You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
