I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
