got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize