Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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