pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
