yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
