so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize