you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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