it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
