just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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