i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
