Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
