My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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