Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i think my cat just said my name.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
