If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
