I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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