Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize