I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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