don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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