my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
a search helicopter?!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
