oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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