she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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