The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
