And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
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