i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
