I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
