i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I need water and some morals
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
