I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
