Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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