either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
tell me about the eggs
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
