Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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