Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
