I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
