Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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