I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
