He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
