I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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