So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
