If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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