Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i think i just lost a toe
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
