Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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