Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
