Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize