I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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