Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Two words: blizzard sex
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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