Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize