I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
