Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
