I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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