When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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