hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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