Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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