At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
operation have a gay friend backfired
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
