I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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