apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
