Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
