Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
