Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
